Monday, October 29, 2007
Christianity and Atheism
The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today are Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and Then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.
Freedom
Freedom is not the ability to do what you want to do.
Freedom is not the ability, the right to do what I want to do.
It is the power to do what you should.
Freedom is the freedom to love and not hate. That's freedom.
If you can't love, you can't forgive, you're not free.
Freedom is not the ability, the right to do what I want to do.
It is the power to do what you should.
Freedom is the freedom to love and not hate. That's freedom.
If you can't love, you can't forgive, you're not free.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
When writing, make sure of what you're saying!
Letters to Landlords
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces
Will you please send someone over to mend our cracked sidewalk?
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Letters to government agencies
Dear Sirs, please stop my assistance since I got a job begging in October
I am writing the Welfare Dept. to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
I cannot get sick pay. I have had 6 children. Can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
My husband got laid off from his job 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t had any relief since.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared
I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces
Will you please send someone over to mend our cracked sidewalk?
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
Letters to government agencies
Dear Sirs, please stop my assistance since I got a job begging in October
I am writing the Welfare Dept. to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
I cannot get sick pay. I have had 6 children. Can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
My husband got laid off from his job 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t had any relief since.
For Laughs
Military
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction. –Gen. Douglas MacArthur
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. –Napoleon Bonaparte
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. –Groucho Marx
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
Alcohol
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
Family
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.
One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and its mother's age.
Each generation has been an education for us in different ways. The first child-with-bloody-nose was rushed to the emergency room. The fifth child-with-bloody-nose was told to go to the yard immediately and stop bleeding on the carpet.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction. –Gen. Douglas MacArthur
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. –Napoleon Bonaparte
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. –Groucho Marx
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
Alcohol
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
Family
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair.
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom.
One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and its mother's age.
Each generation has been an education for us in different ways. The first child-with-bloody-nose was rushed to the emergency room. The fifth child-with-bloody-nose was told to go to the yard immediately and stop bleeding on the carpet.
Misc. Famous People "Idiots"
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” –Al Gore, former vice president
“Half this game is ninety per cent mental.” –Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Philly’s Manager
“That scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.” –A congressional candidate in Texas
“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” –Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” – Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” – Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” –Brooke Shields
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” – Mariah Carey
“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.” –Dan Quayle
“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.” –Britney Spears
“They’re wonderful. Which one’s your mom?” –Robin Williams after a celebrity showed him a picture of his parents
“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” –Greg Norman
“I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.” – Shaquille O’Neal
“Sorry, I don’t know much about you. I don’t follow tennis.” – Christina Aguilera to Tiger Woods, after he told her he loved her music.
“Half this game is ninety per cent mental.” –Danny Ozark, Philadelphia Philly’s Manager
“That scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.” –A congressional candidate in Texas
“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” –Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” – Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.” – Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” –Brooke Shields
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” – Mariah Carey
“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.” –Dan Quayle
“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.” –Britney Spears
“They’re wonderful. Which one’s your mom?” –Robin Williams after a celebrity showed him a picture of his parents
“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” –Greg Norman
“I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.” – Shaquille O’Neal
“Sorry, I don’t know much about you. I don’t follow tennis.” – Christina Aguilera to Tiger Woods, after he told her he loved her music.
Jerry Seinfeld and Others
Now I realize how ugly I am. (after laser eye surgery) – Adam Sandler
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
-Steve Martin
I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't. –Steve Martin
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? -Abraham Lincoln
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
-Abraham Lincoln
God heals and the doctor takes the fee. –Benjamin Franklin
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. –Benjamin Franklin
----------------------------------------
Jerry Seinfeld
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day just exactly fits in the newspaper.
I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
Introducing 'Lite' - The new way to spell 'Light', but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
I think that people who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
-Steve Martin
I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't. –Steve Martin
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? -Abraham Lincoln
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
-Abraham Lincoln
God heals and the doctor takes the fee. –Benjamin Franklin
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. –Benjamin Franklin
----------------------------------------
Jerry Seinfeld
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day just exactly fits in the newspaper.
I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
Introducing 'Lite' - The new way to spell 'Light', but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
I think that people who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
Bush's Mistakes
“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
“It’s in our country’s interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm’s way.”
“But Iraq has-have got people there that are willing to kill, and they’re hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future.”
“Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.”
““...it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship.”
“I aim to be a competitive nation.”
“People don’t need to worry about security. This deal wouldn’t go forward if we were concerned about the security for the United States of America.”
“You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire.”
“I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan.”
“There’s no doubt in my mind that we should allow the world’s worst leaders to hold America hostage, to threaten our peace, to threaten our friends and allies with the world’s worst weapons.”
“...the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.”
“For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three nonfatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It’s just unacceptable. And we’re going to do something about it.”
“It’s in our country’s interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm’s way.”
“But Iraq has-have got people there that are willing to kill, and they’re hard-nosed killers. And we will work with the Iraqis to secure their future.”
“Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.”
““...it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship.”
“I aim to be a competitive nation.”
“People don’t need to worry about security. This deal wouldn’t go forward if we were concerned about the security for the United States of America.”
“You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire.”
“I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan.”
“There’s no doubt in my mind that we should allow the world’s worst leaders to hold America hostage, to threaten our peace, to threaten our friends and allies with the world’s worst weapons.”
“...the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.”
“For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three nonfatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It’s just unacceptable. And we’re going to do something about it.”
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Car Accident Excuses and Insurance Claims
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention
I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car
The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was on my way to the doctor’s with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car
The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
I was on my way to the doctor’s with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
Docter's Charts
Discharge status: alive but without permission
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me.
The patient refused an autopsy
The patient has no past history of suicides
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital
She is numb from her toes down
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me.
The patient refused an autopsy
The patient has no past history of suicides
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital
She is numb from her toes down
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches
Court bloopers
Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
By death
And by whose death was it terminates?
---------------------------
What is your name?
Ernestine McDowell
And what is your marital status?
Fair.
-------------------------
Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, inmost cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?
----------------------------
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
-------------------------------
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
-----------------------------
Do you recognize that picture?
That’s me.
Were you present when that picture was taken?
----------------------------------
So you were gone until you returned?
--------------------------------------
She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there girls?
--------------------------------------------
You didn’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
---------------------------------------------------------
You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Yes.
And these stairs, did they go up also?
---------------------------------------------
Were you alone or by yourself?
--------------------------------------------
Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?
It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?
No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
-------------------------------------------
How long have you been a French Canadian?
----------------------------------------
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
----------------------------------------
And who is this person you are speaking of?
My ex-widow said it.
----------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
I used to be.
How many times have you committed suicide?
Four times.
------------------------------------------------------
Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.
-------------------------------------
Did he kill you?
NO.
----------------------------------------------
Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present informtion and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
--------------------------------------------
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
---------------------------------------------
What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
Attached to the ears.
---------------------------------------
When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
-------------------------------------
And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral ok?
What school do you go to?
Oral.
How old are you?
Oral
-------------------------------
What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
She is my daughter.
Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
----------------------------------
Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
---------------------------------
...and what did he do then?
He came home, and next morning he was dead.
So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
--------------------------------------
What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill him – and she did!
---------------------------------------------
...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
The victim lived.
------------------------------------
And was that the same nose you broke as a child?
--------------------------------
Ms, were you cited in the accident?
Yes Sir, I was so ‘cited I peed all over myself!!
---------------------------------
What is your brother-in-law’s name?
Borofkin
What’s his first name?
I can’t remember
He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?
No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for gosh sake, tell them your first name!
----------------------------------
Could you see him from where you were standing?
I could see his head.
And where was his head?
Just above his shoulders.
By death
And by whose death was it terminates?
---------------------------
What is your name?
Ernestine McDowell
And what is your marital status?
Fair.
-------------------------
Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, inmost cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?
----------------------------
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
-------------------------------
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
-----------------------------
Do you recognize that picture?
That’s me.
Were you present when that picture was taken?
----------------------------------
So you were gone until you returned?
--------------------------------------
She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there girls?
--------------------------------------------
You didn’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
---------------------------------------------------------
You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Yes.
And these stairs, did they go up also?
---------------------------------------------
Were you alone or by yourself?
--------------------------------------------
Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?
It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?
No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
-------------------------------------------
How long have you been a French Canadian?
----------------------------------------
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
----------------------------------------
And who is this person you are speaking of?
My ex-widow said it.
----------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
I used to be.
How many times have you committed suicide?
Four times.
------------------------------------------------------
Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.
-------------------------------------
Did he kill you?
NO.
----------------------------------------------
Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present informtion and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
--------------------------------------------
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
---------------------------------------------
What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
Picking them up in the air.
Where was the dog at this time?
Attached to the ears.
---------------------------------------
When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
-------------------------------------
And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral ok?
What school do you go to?
Oral.
How old are you?
Oral
-------------------------------
What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
She is my daughter.
Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
----------------------------------
Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
---------------------------------
...and what did he do then?
He came home, and next morning he was dead.
So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
--------------------------------------
What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill him – and she did!
---------------------------------------------
...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
The victim lived.
------------------------------------
And was that the same nose you broke as a child?
--------------------------------
Ms, were you cited in the accident?
Yes Sir, I was so ‘cited I peed all over myself!!
---------------------------------
What is your brother-in-law’s name?
Borofkin
What’s his first name?
I can’t remember
He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?
No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for gosh sake, tell them your first name!
----------------------------------
Could you see him from where you were standing?
I could see his head.
And where was his head?
Just above his shoulders.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Headline Blunders
Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Iraqi head seeks arms
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Eye drops off shelf
Teacher strikes idle kids
Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
Squad helps dog bite victim
Juvenile court to try shooting defendants
Killer sentenced to die for the second time in ten yoars
War dims hopes for peace
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a awhile
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
Actor sent to jail for not finishing sentence
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Child’s stool great for use in garden
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Autos killing 110 a day, let’s resolve to do better
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Child’s death ruins couple’s holiday
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
Include your children when baking cookies
Drunks get five years in violin case
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
Stolen painting found by tree
Local high school dropouts cut in half
Couple slain; police suspect homicide
Man struck by lightning faces battery charge
Crack found on Governor’s daughter
Red tape holds up new bridges
Hospitals are sued by 7 foot doctors
Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead
Iraqi head seeks arms
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Eye drops off shelf
Teacher strikes idle kids
Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead
Squad helps dog bite victim
Juvenile court to try shooting defendants
Killer sentenced to die for the second time in ten yoars
War dims hopes for peace
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a awhile
Cold wave linked to temperatures
Man is fatally slain
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says
Actor sent to jail for not finishing sentence
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Child’s stool great for use in garden
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Autos killing 110 a day, let’s resolve to do better
Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Child’s death ruins couple’s holiday
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
Include your children when baking cookies
Drunks get five years in violin case
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
Stolen painting found by tree
Local high school dropouts cut in half
Couple slain; police suspect homicide
Man struck by lightning faces battery charge
Crack found on Governor’s daughter
Red tape holds up new bridges
Hospitals are sued by 7 foot doctors
Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead
Three Little Pigs
One day a first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy S***! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
More Murphy's
Murphy's Law of the Open Road:
When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge.
Murphy's Military Laws:
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
Murphy's Technology Laws:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.
When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge.
Murphy's Military Laws:
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
Murphy's Technology Laws:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.
Famous, Funny Quotes
Steven Wright
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane.
Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
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When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, 'It's in the script.' If he says, 'But what's my motivation?, ' I say, 'Your salary.' -Alfred Hitchcock
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Roseanna Barr
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, "Sorry, we're open."
The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people...that's why I don't like any of them.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane.
Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
----------------------------------------------
When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, 'It's in the script.' If he says, 'But what's my motivation?, ' I say, 'Your salary.' -Alfred Hitchcock
--------------------------------------------
Roseanna Barr
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, "Sorry, we're open."
The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people...that's why I don't like any of them.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Murphy's Law
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks .
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think
Murphy's Third Law: In any field of endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility that several things can go wrong, then the one that will cause the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think
Murphy's Third Law: In any field of endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility that several things can go wrong, then the one that will cause the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Funny
-Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
-Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.
-Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
-I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.-- Fred Allen
-If you can't convince them, confuse them.-- Harry S. Truman
-My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.-- Buddy Hackett
-Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.-- Jerry Seinfeld
-I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.-- Ronald Reagan
-The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
-Those who live by the sword... get shot by those who don't.
-Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
-I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.-- Fred Allen
-If you can't convince them, confuse them.-- Harry S. Truman
-My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.-- Buddy Hackett
-Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.-- Jerry Seinfeld
-I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.-- Ronald Reagan
Weird
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised
its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Mark Twain
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority,it is time to reform.
-Mark Twain
Classifed Bloopers
Classifieds
· Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
· A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
· Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
· For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
· Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
· Great Dames for sale. · Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. · Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. · For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
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